Humor: A Mean Look at the Sun Signs

Disclaimer: The portrayal of sun signs in this post is a caricature. A rather vicious caricature. Sometimes a jab jolts us out of whatever unproductive rut we’ve fallen into and sometimes a jab is just gratuitous pain. Don’t read if you get offended easily. Yes, I know there is more to each sign…but today let’s jab a bit, shall we?

 

Pen dipped in Venom

ARIES

Stop shouting. No one thinks you are a leader because you go down the hallways shouting. People think you’re an obnoxious boor. One of these days you’ll go too far with the wrong person. We kind of hope you do. And don’t expect any flowers while you’re in the hospital.

 

 

 

 

 

TAURUS

You know why you don’t have any friends? No, the cows don’t count. Because you’re boring. And don’t tell me about those infernal pies you bake and the flowers you grow. Your stupid pies have made me fat and I’m allergic to flowers! Buddy, I got news for you, homo sapiens have something called the neo-cortex, it allows them to indulge in abstract thinking. No! It isn’t something you can eat!

GEMINI

I don’t care how many factoids you can rattle off in 10 seconds. Really. I don’t care. You may impress the peasants with your expansive vocabulary, but you don’t fool me. You’re not a wit, you’re a nit-wit who’s never had an original thought in his life. Oh, and if you think people forgive you for those thinly-veiled verbal barbs, think again. Now you know why your phone doesn’t ring and no one invites you for parties anymore.

CANCER

You know what you problem is? You’re self-centered. You’re the most self-centered person in this world. Now everyone caught on to that, and guess what? No one cares! No one cares that you’re feeling blue because when you were five your mommy wouldn’t let you have another slice of the pie. No one cares that your feelings are hurt because your best friend dumped you. No one wants to be friends with someone who’s always thinking about themselves and whining. All the time. About everything.

LEO

You stink. Your jokes stink, your clothes stink and so does your pathetic need for validation and approval. You think if you preen and strut and smile into people’s eyes, they’ll believe you’re awesome and like you? Well, people snicker behind your back. They feel sorry for someone who has to constantly blow their trumpet and then look over their shoulder to see if anyone noticed.

VIRGO

How many times do I have to tell you, the sky isn’t going to fall on our heads! Why don’t you help me instead of worrying? What? The glasses aren’t lining up exactly in the cupboard and you can’t help me put them away? What? They’re 0.5 centimeters off? No, I’m not going to put the knife down! Come here, I think I know how to fix what ails you!

LIBRA

Hey, you okay? You look a little blue. What? They ran out of your favorite nail color at the store? Gosh, really? You needed that exact shade of cerulean blue for your class today? What you studying, art? Oh, evolution of thinking in man? No, I have no idea why everyone in your class laughs at you behind your back.

SCORPIO

Why do you think your neighbor is practicing voodoo on you? You slept with his wife! Are you in love with her? No? Oh, I see you were testing your sexual magnetism. But what about maintaining a basic moral code? Oh, I think I understand when you say that conventional morality is for wimps. And, no, I don’t think planning to burn his house down because of the voodoo is the right thing to do!

SAGITTARIUS

I just read on Facebook that “Everybody wants to be found or to find.” What are you looking for? Oh, yeah, I guess you’ll know it when you see it. But don’t you think in the meantime you should get a job so you can pay the rent? No, I don’t think it’s “freaking funny” for a 49-year-old to try and get a job for the first time in his life.

CAPRICORN

Your clothes have nothing to do with you not getting membership to the country club. Why, that suit alone cost a bomb! You remember it took you months to save for it because you wanted nothing but designer labels in your wardrobe? Man, I remember that time! You were travelling that month and your wife and children lived on peanut butter sandwiches because you were saving up for another Armani. No, I don’t think it’s the clothes.

AQUARIUS

It’s all very well wanting to change the world by destroying current economic structures and social conventions. But have you thought of what you want to put in their place? Brotherhood and peace and saving-the-planet are great ideals, but how do you think you’re getting closer to realizing them by shaving your head, quitting your job and joining the Hare Krishna?

PISCES

I know you feel everyone’s pain and no one is saying that’s easy. But what about the pain your family feels when you’re out chasing another dream instead of contributing to the rent money, and the pain they feel when you drink and drink and drink to drown their pain, your pain, everyone’s pain… Yes, therapy is a good idea. In fact, I am your therapist. Have been for the last few months. Yes, I understand the black-outs. No, I don’t have anything alcoholic here.

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