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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Overheard

I’m working on post about current transits faced by people in their mid-thirties and reading Bernadette Brady’s Predictive Astrology, The Eagle and the Lark. Well, not just reading but studying it. If you’re learning astrology like I am and want to get into predictive, this is a book you must have.

It might take me a few days to get my transits post done and in the meantime I’ve been itching to write. So here are a few snippets from real-life:

Mercury-Neptune: It’s all about propaganda. You can sell people anything. It depends on how you put it.
Sun-in-Gemini: That’s not true.
Mercury-Neptune: People are idiots.
Sun-in-Gemini: People are voices.

Sun-in-Leo: So I’ll do this and of course I’ll be short of cash for a while. But I’ll manage.
Sun-in-Taurus: ::snorts:: You? You can’t even do your own nails.
Sun-in-Leo: Leo can cope with adversity very well when they have to. Linda Goodman says so! ::grits teeth:: If needed, I can learn to do my own nails! (more…)

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Spring Has Sprung!



I was looking for a Leonard Cohen quote to start this post because I don’t have very much to offer today and it captures the spirit in which I offer you this. I wanted the bit that starts like this, “Ring the bells that still can ring…” It’s from his poem called Anthem, and it starts like this:

The birds they sang
at the break of day
Start again
I heard them say
Don’t dwell on what
has passed away
or what is yet to be.
Ah the wars they will
be fought again
The holy dove
She will be caught again
bought and sold
and bought again
the dove is never free.
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.

But how perfect this is with the Sun just about to move into Aries! It’s the start of the new astrological year, the vernal equinox, spring has sprung!

Pisces ASC

Now to go back to the bits and pieces I’ve been collecting. Here’s a picture that I think captures the Pisces ASC. Pisces rising has a very hocus-pocus quality to it, it shifts, it changes, you can’t pin it down. For more on Pisces, you must read Christina’s brilliant post: http://oxford-astrologer.blogspot.com/2011/03/pisces-self-portraits.html (more…)

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Astrology Humor

Transiting Pluto’s been trining my natal Mercury and I cannot tell you how intense that has been and still is. Wherever I turn, whether it is related to work or pleasure, it involves intense reading and studying. It’s all uphill right now and all long-term so I thought I’d take a little break and post something light. So here you go, some light moments captured by my friend Mari and me:

Venus rules our values, and in synastry harmonious Venus contacts are conducive to shared tastes and hence to happiness. Inharmonious Venus contacts can lead to situations like this:

Lyle and his Owner have Venus opposition Venus

Lyle and his Owner have Venus opposition Venus

(more…)

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 We can tell you how, but do you really want to?

            

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(more…)

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Baron over at Dark Sun Astrology says about the current period, “The heavens often contort themselves into an ironic configuration on Valentine’s Day, but this year plays host to an extremely benefic configuration – an applying conjunction of Venus to Jupiter in Pisces.” Venus moved into Pisces today and she’s racing gladly towards Jupiter. Love is in the air, no? Who can resist it, and with all these Piscean planets do you even have the will to try?

Love is many things to many people. Nothing brings us to our knees more effortlessly and nothing exalts us quite like being in love. And if it doesn’t work out, don’t despair, we’ll laugh about it instead. Now, why don’t you sit down and let me get you something to drink. And about the laughs, I wrote this for you:

Venus in Aries: Grabbing your lover by the hair, and letting out a triumphant war cry does not guarantee successful seduction with everyone.

Venus in Taurus: Farmer, is he? Oooh! And you saw him while he was sweat-slicked and fell for him like a ton of bricks? I totally get it!

Venus in Gemini: Yeah, I see why you like her. Not every one reads that much anymore. And you’re right, I can see why you’re attracted to her best friend: you’re both passionate about celadon. And that girl you work with? I can see why you find her irresistible. It’s not everyone who can talk knowledgeably about string theory.   

Venus in Cancer: Put that egg beater down, sweetheart. Put it down! You’re a wonderful baker. The best. I couldn’t love you more if I tried. Really. But the doctor thinks my weight is bad for my heart. Oh, don’t cry, honey! And, no, I don’t want a cookie.

Venus in Leo: Gee, sure, being in love with yourself could be seen as a fulfilling life-long relationship. But is all that plastic surgery really necessary?

Venus in Virgo: What? You fell in love with him because of the way he punctuates? And you love him despite his apostrophe errors? Yep, this time, it’s true love all right.

Venus in Libra: You both like the same exact shade of blue? Does that mean he’s your soul mate? I don’t know…

Venus in Scorpio: The lady in the bus called the cops when you stared fixedly at her and made suggestive gestures?

Venus in Sagittarius: That foreign dude you met in university? The guy who’s always going on and on about the philosophy of religion? You want to marry him in a Buddhist ceremony… What do you folks think about that?

Venus in Capricorn: Just because your office BlackBerry is constantly humming, it does not mean that you are in a mature, loving relationship.

Venus in Aquarius: Well, most people would not qualify trading software with another person as a deep and intimate romantic encounter.

Venus in Pisces: No, when your pusher randomly calls you, it does not mean he loves you. Sorry.

See? Isn’t that better? :)

If you want a more heart-felt post, I wrote something about the planetary energies on Valentine’s Day for Sasstrology. You can see it here: http://sasstrology.com/2010/02/valentines-day-astrology-forecast-2.html

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Humor: Astrologers in love

  • If the horary doesn’t say what you want it to, you change the house that signifies them.
  • You sigh over the conjunctions and gloss over the squares.
  • Ptolemaic aspects are obviously not enough; you also look at parallels, asteroids, Arabic parts and anything else you have ever heard of.
  • Not only do you remember their major planetary degrees, you also know their cusps by heart.
  • You think south node conjunctions indicate that it was meant to be. You also think this about anything else that catches your fancy.
  • If you don’t have their verified time of birth, you’re willing to devote a lifetime to learn rectification, so that you can finally do their chart. 
  • If you meet someone who shares the same degree as their sun, you are instantly prepared to like this person. But only after you find out their sun degree.
  • You cast an event chart of the time they asked you to pass the salt.
  • You play soppy love songs as you pour over synastry aspect grids.
  • When you encounter a new astrological theory that indicates strong synastry between you, you’re more likely to think that there is merit in it. Merit? Huh! It’s a work of genius!
  • You don’t think they’re capable of lies and deceit, you think it’s because your charts have hard Neptune contacts.
  • You’re blinded by the Venus-Mars contacts and brush the other aspects under the carpet.
  • You spiral into self-pity because of your Venus placement. If only your Venus was better placed, they’d love you more.
  • You do progressions and figure that in, say, 40 years their progressed chart will find your progressed chart irresistible.

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Interviewer: So, what are your thoughts on all the hype surrounding the impending Jupiter-Neptune conjunction?

Astrologer: Blown out of proportion if you ask me!

***

 Astrologer 1: I can’t tell the people I love that I love them and I can’t tell people I intensely dislike what I feel about them, either.

Astrologer 2: And your Moon’s in Scorpio? How odd!

***

Astrologer to bartender: These Venus-Neptune types, they think every man who walks through the door might be the man who changes their life.

***

Man: Elise, you know you got to watch that Neptune conjunction to your ASC. People think you’re a flake.

Woman: Really? I hadn’t noticed.

***

Bartender to Man: You guys broke up? But you said she was your soulmate!

Tropical Astrologer: I caught her cheating on me with sidereal astrology!

***

Astrologer to friend: I had to hit him! He sneered at my Mars-Sun-Moon T-Square. Sneered, I tell you. These Mercury-Mars types, an annoying bunch, I tell you. Annoying

***

Overheard: Who does she think she is trying to wow everyone with that overblown Sun- conjunct-Jupiter personality of hers? And did you notice her Mars contacts her Neptune. ::sniffs disdainfully:: I wouldn’t be surprised if she drank. ::shakes head::

***

Friend 1: Hey, why so blue?

Friend 2: ::sigh:: Saturn’s transiting my second house.

Friend 1: You think that’s bad? You have no idea what that Saturn-Pluto is doing to me! Man, I’ve been trying to put on a brave face and all, but…

Friend 1: Want to go to the bar?

Friend 2: Yeah, let’s get wasted!

::Neptune smirks::

***

Budding astrologer to friend: My astrology class was cancelled last week….unforseen circumstances.*
*Contributed by astrologer Tony Vowles
***
 
Q: How many Virgos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Four: one to read the manual, one to inspect the quality, one to screw it in, and one to oversee that it’s screwed in properly.*
*Contributed by Michelle of AstroFix

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Disclaimer: The portrayal of sun signs in this post is a caricature. A rather vicious caricature. Sometimes a jab jolts us out of whatever unproductive rut we’ve fallen into and sometimes a jab is just gratuitous pain. Don’t read if you get offended easily. Yes, I know there is more to each sign…but today let’s jab a bit, shall we?

 
Pen dipped in Venom

Pen dipped in Venom

ARIES

Stop shouting. No one thinks you are a leader because you go down the hallways shouting. People think you’re an obnoxious boor. One of these days you’ll go too far with the wrong person. We kind of hope you do. And don’t expect any flowers while you’re in the hospital.

 

 

 

 

 

TAURUS

You know why you don’t have any friends? No, the cows don’t count. Because you’re boring. And don’t tell me about those infernal pies you bake and the flowers you grow. Your stupid pies have made me fat and I’m allergic to flowers! Buddy, I got news for you, homo sapiens have something called the neo-cortex, it allows them to indulge in abstract thinking. No! It isn’t something you can eat!

GEMINI

I don’t care how many factoids you can rattle off in 10 seconds. Really. I don’t care. You may impress the peasants with your expansive vocabulary, but you don’t fool me. You’re not a wit, you’re a nit-wit who’s never had an original thought in his life. Oh, and if you think people forgive you for those thinly-veiled verbal barbs, think again. Now you know why your phone doesn’t ring and no one invites you for parties anymore.

CANCER

You know what you problem is? You’re self-centered. You’re the most self-centered person in this world. Now everyone caught on to that, and guess what? No one cares! No one cares that you’re feeling blue because when you were five your mommy wouldn’t let you have another slice of the pie. No one cares that your feelings are hurt because your best friend dumped you. No one wants to be friends with someone who’s always thinking about themselves and whining. All the time. About everything.

LEO

You stink. Your jokes stink, your clothes stink and so does your pathetic need for validation and approval. You think if you preen and strut and smile into people’s eyes, they’ll believe you’re awesome and like you? Well, people snicker behind your back. They feel sorry for someone who has to constantly blow their trumpet and then look over their shoulder to see if anyone noticed.

VIRGO

How many times do I have to tell you, the sky isn’t going to fall on our heads! Why don’t you help me instead of worrying? What? The glasses aren’t lining up exactly in the cupboard and you can’t help me put them away? What? They’re 0.5 centimeters off? No, I’m not going to put the knife down! Come here, I think I know how to fix what ails you!

LIBRA

Hey, you okay? You look a little blue. What? They ran out of your favorite nail color at the store? Gosh, really? You needed that exact shade of cerulean blue for your class today? What you studying, art? Oh, evolution of thinking in man? No, I have no idea why everyone in your class laughs at you behind your back.

SCORPIO

Why do you think your neighbor is practicing voodoo on you? You slept with his wife! Are you in love with her? No? Oh, I see you were testing your sexual magnetism. But what about maintaining a basic moral code? Oh, I think I understand when you say that conventional morality is for wimps. And, no, I don’t think planning to burn his house down because of the voodoo is the right thing to do!

SAGITTARIUS

I just read on Facebook that “Everybody wants to be found or to find.” What are you looking for? Oh, yeah, I guess you’ll know it when you see it. But don’t you think in the meantime you should get a job so you can pay the rent? No, I don’t think it’s “freaking funny” for a 49-year-old to try and get a job for the first time in his life.

CAPRICORN

Your clothes have nothing to do with you not getting membership to the country club. Why, that suit alone cost a bomb! You remember it took you months to save for it because you wanted nothing but designer labels in your wardrobe? Man, I remember that time! You were travelling that month and your wife and children lived on peanut butter sandwiches because you were saving up for another Armani. No, I don’t think it’s the clothes.

AQUARIUS

It’s all very well wanting to change the world by destroying current economic structures and social conventions. But have you thought of what you want to put in their place? Brotherhood and peace and saving-the-planet are great ideals, but how do you think you’re getting closer to realizing them by shaving your head, quitting your job and joining the Hare Krishna?

PISCES

I know you feel everyone’s pain and no one is saying that’s easy. But what about the pain your family feels when you’re out chasing another dream instead of contributing to the rent money, and the pain they feel when you drink and drink and drink to drown their pain, your pain, everyone’s pain… Yes, therapy is a good idea. In fact, I am your therapist. Have been for the last few months. Yes, I understand the black-outs. No, I don’t have anything alcoholic here.

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Confessions of an Astro Nerd

Sun in Leo, in the Sixth

Sun in Leo, in the Sixth

There are many information-rich posts waiting to be written. But I want to do a good job, so, of course, I procrastinate. In the meantime, I sent a message to my friend Evelyn Roberts and the subject line read, “Confessions of an Astro Nerd.” What a good title for a blog post, I says to myself. So here are some of mine. Send me some of your and I’ll add them to this post.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • My Moon is in Scorpio. In its fall. I don’t care. I love my intense Moon. Intensely, of course.
  • My Venus falls in Virgo. I think I’m envious of people with a strong, happy Venus. Okay, I might be jealous of them. Fine, I’m jealous!
  • When I look at someone’s chart, anyone’s, the first thing I see is how it links with mine. I have a friend whose axes are so strongly connected to mine that I have difficulty getting past that and actually seeing her chart.
  • The nodes of the Moon fascinate me. I don’t know why. I suspect it is because my natal chart has Mars conjunct the south node and Moon conjunct the North.
  • There are two kinds of people in the world for me: astrologers and non-astrologers. I’ve recently heard the latter referred to as “civilians,” and “muggles.” I like using “civilians.”
  • Astrology proves the existence of a greater design. Of a Higher Mind. Think about it a bit, it proves the existence of a Higher Force. ::She whispers, “Of God.”::
  • There’s enough Virgo-Scorpio in me to find a good use for everything. Even my grief. You’d think I love astrology so much because it’s so useful. Nope. I just love it. It’s the only love in my life that’s inexplicable.
  • I know one of the purposes of my life is to promote astrology. I’ve got enough Jupiter to do it, too. Yeehaw!
  • I did my masters in psychology and I agree with Dr. Glenn Perry that psychology and astrology need to combine.
  • I fantasize about a place where everyone is dressed in white robes. It’s a university. (It’s a planet, actually. But I didn’t want to say that.) And where astrology and healing are taught. I want to go there. It’s probably my Neptune in the ninth in Sagittarius.

 

P.S. I love you.

  

P.P.S. When I wrote this, Tr Moon was exactly conjunct my natal Moon.

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In losing you, I turned around
And looked for solace
Looked for peace

I looked at sunsets longer
And admired the colors
For about five minutes, then I got bored.

At the beach, I lingered nearer the shore
To feel the ocean spray on my face
And came home with tangled hair, I hated that.

I lit incense sticks
Let the smoke swirl around me
Then my allergies kicked in.

I walked the dog more often
Walked him longer
He hated that, he just wanted to go home.

I looked into people’s eyes
Instead of just looking at them
It creeped everyone out.

I went looking for answers
Spent hours surfing the Net
And got addicted to gaming.

I tried my hand at poetry
But since “love” doesn’t rhyme with much
I gave up on that kind of verse.

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