I’m writing this from my parents’ home in Goa. I did think of writing it once I got back to Bangalore, but since this post is about the IC, I thought it was appropriate that I write it from my folks’ home, sitting in my old bedroom. They moved to this apartment when I had already left for university. But when I came home for holidays, this was my room. And for a while, I worked here and this was my room.
I’ve been having some major things happening with my IC-MC in my progressed chart. I’ve been looking at them with some dread. My progressed Mars is moving to conjunct my IC and my progressed MC is moving to oppose my Saturn. I just looked at my brothers’ charts, and one of them has progressed Saturn squaring his MC and the youngest has his progressed MC moving towards a conjunction with Pluto. Since Saturn and MC both rule the father, I’ve been worried about my dad. We found out a few days ago that he has Parkinson’s. Everyone except me has taken it well. My dad, the very personification of Saturn, is unabashed in the face of this diagnosis and carries on with unabated efficiency and sangfroid.
What can rock you more to your core than have your mother and father, your emotional bedrock, start to age or get ill? I’m not especially close to either of them, but I know they are there and all’s right with my world. I have Saturn in Cancer, a placement, I’m told that especially needs family security. It’s also, I’m learning at least in my case, the placement of the impotent worrier. My moon in Cancer brother is handling this really well, by being there for them, by helping them with little tasks, by counselling and loving. My sun in Capricorn brother flew down last month, when he heard my dad was in the hospital. I, on the other hand, haven’t done anything concrete or helpful. Worse, I stay up at night looking out into the darkness thinking about death and loss.
I wanted to write about the IC in this post. Mine is Gemini and its ruler is in Virgo in the sixth conjunct Venus and square Neptune. After the age of about seven till my mid-20s, my folks have changed homes about 10 times. Some moves were local, some just within the country and one was international. It meant constantly changing schools, constantly having to learn a new third language, constantly having to make new friends. I don’t think I hated it then, but looking back, it wasn’t an ideal way to grow up. I’m back now in a place where my folks have lived longest and I feel I don’t have any roots here. My closest friends have relocated and I have tenuous links with some others.
I’ve been talking to my brothers about what “home” means to them. For one, with Aries at IC and Mars in his seventh in Leo, the place where he stays with his wife is home. And for the youngest with Pisces at IC with Neptune conjunct Sun and Mercury in Sagittarius in the first, home is still Goa, where my Mom and Dad are. He also spent a large part of his childhood here and he feels connected to this place in a way that I do not. It grieves me enormously that no place in my own country is home to me. I live and work in Bangalore, in the heart of south India. As a north Indian, the culture and the language there are not mine own. But I don’t feel comfortable thinking about north India either, I’ve almost never lived there as a teenager or an adult. While Indians are all in a mad frenzy of buying a home, I shy away from the idea. “Life is too uncertain,” I say “to tie yourself down like that.” Or, “Who wants to take a loan and then be forced to work all one’s life to pay it off?” Other people create homes by lovingly acquiring beautiful furniture, buying plants, getting good china and taking care of their silver. The only plants we have are the ones my maid randomly plants in the few pots we have in our living room balcony. My moon on Gemini husband (his moon is right on my IC, by the way) just needs a place to keep his thousands of books.
I had a friend who hadn’t even turned 40 yet pass away from cancer a few weeks ago and this made me think about death a lot. Especially my own. IC also rules end of matters and the physical death, right? I don’t know where I’m going to die. I’m not very concerned about where I’m going to live, but about where it’s all going to end. Where is my home? Are you still reading? Perhaps this is too dark a trip to lay over anyone, so forgive me, but I just need to get this out of my system. To go back to the IC. Maybe what is bothering me is that I need those Gemini/neighborhood connections. Where the corner store man knows you and you know the people who live next door and when you come home you call up your friends and hang out with them. I don’t have that anymore and that is what makes this place not feel like home to me.
I know if I buy a home of my own, it will give me to a some extent a feeling of being rooted to a place. But a contrary thought intrudes, “Why do you want to tie yourself to a place? What if you want to move? You never know what’s around the corner!” I have a lot of fixity in my chart and I hate change, but my chart is also very mutable, so I can adapt to a new city, new country fairly easy. But right now, the need to thrown down roots is pretty strong. Or rather the thought is there.
I hope you will tell me about your IC and what “home” means to you in the comments. In the meantime, I’ve been walking around my folks’ home feeling, about my Gemini IC, “My roots don’t go deep.”