Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category


I’m working on post about current transits faced by people in their mid-thirties and reading Bernadette Brady’s Predictive Astrology, The Eagle and the Lark. Well, not just reading but studying it. If you’re learning astrology like I am and want to get into predictive, this is a book you must have.

It might take me a few days to get my transits post done and in the meantime I’ve been itching to write. So here are a few snippets from real-life:

Mercury-Neptune: It’s all about propaganda. You can sell people anything. It depends on how you put it.
Sun-in-Gemini: That’s not true.
Mercury-Neptune: People are idiots.
Sun-in-Gemini: People are voices.

Sun-in-Leo: So I’ll do this and of course I’ll be short of cash for a while. But I’ll manage.
Sun-in-Taurus: ::snorts:: You? You can’t even do your own nails.
Sun-in-Leo: Leo can cope with adversity very well when they have to. Linda Goodman says so! ::grits teeth:: If needed, I can learn to do my own nails! (more…)

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Spring Has Sprung!

I was looking for a Leonard Cohen quote to start this post because I don’t have very much to offer today and it captures the spirit in which I offer you this. I wanted the bit that starts like this, “Ring the bells that still can ring…” It’s from his poem called Anthem, and it starts like this:

The birds they sang
at the break of day
Start again
I heard them say
Don’t dwell on what
has passed away
or what is yet to be.
Ah the wars they will
be fought again
The holy dove
She will be caught again
bought and sold
and bought again
the dove is never free.
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.

But how perfect this is with the Sun just about to move into Aries! It’s the start of the new astrological year, the vernal equinox, spring has sprung!

Pisces ASC

Now to go back to the bits and pieces I’ve been collecting. Here’s a picture that I think captures the Pisces ASC. Pisces rising has a very hocus-pocus quality to it, it shifts, it changes, you can’t pin it down. For more on Pisces, you must read Christina’s brilliant post: http://oxford-astrologer.blogspot.com/2011/03/pisces-self-portraits.html (more…)

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Astrology Humor

Transiting Pluto’s been trining my natal Mercury and I cannot tell you how intense that has been and still is. Wherever I turn, whether it is related to work or pleasure, it involves intense reading and studying. It’s all uphill right now and all long-term so I thought I’d take a little break and post something light. So here you go, some light moments captured by my friend Mari and me:

Venus rules our values, and in synastry harmonious Venus contacts are conducive to shared tastes and hence to happiness. Inharmonious Venus contacts can lead to situations like this:

Lyle and his Owner have Venus opposition Venus

Lyle and his Owner have Venus opposition Venus


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 We can tell you how, but do you really want to?











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Baron over at Dark Sun Astrology says about the current period, “The heavens often contort themselves into an ironic configuration on Valentine’s Day, but this year plays host to an extremely benefic configuration – an applying conjunction of Venus to Jupiter in Pisces.” Venus moved into Pisces today and she’s racing gladly towards Jupiter. Love is in the air, no? Who can resist it, and with all these Piscean planets do you even have the will to try?

Love is many things to many people. Nothing brings us to our knees more effortlessly and nothing exalts us quite like being in love. And if it doesn’t work out, don’t despair, we’ll laugh about it instead. Now, why don’t you sit down and let me get you something to drink. And about the laughs, I wrote this for you:

Venus in Aries: Grabbing your lover by the hair, and letting out a triumphant war cry does not guarantee successful seduction with everyone.

Venus in Taurus: Farmer, is he? Oooh! And you saw him while he was sweat-slicked and fell for him like a ton of bricks? I totally get it!

Venus in Gemini: Yeah, I see why you like her. Not every one reads that much anymore. And you’re right, I can see why you’re attracted to her best friend: you’re both passionate about celadon. And that girl you work with? I can see why you find her irresistible. It’s not everyone who can talk knowledgeably about string theory.   

Venus in Cancer: Put that egg beater down, sweetheart. Put it down! You’re a wonderful baker. The best. I couldn’t love you more if I tried. Really. But the doctor thinks my weight is bad for my heart. Oh, don’t cry, honey! And, no, I don’t want a cookie.

Venus in Leo: Gee, sure, being in love with yourself could be seen as a fulfilling life-long relationship. But is all that plastic surgery really necessary?

Venus in Virgo: What? You fell in love with him because of the way he punctuates? And you love him despite his apostrophe errors? Yep, this time, it’s true love all right.

Venus in Libra: You both like the same exact shade of blue? Does that mean he’s your soul mate? I don’t know…

Venus in Scorpio: The lady in the bus called the cops when you stared fixedly at her and made suggestive gestures?

Venus in Sagittarius: That foreign dude you met in university? The guy who’s always going on and on about the philosophy of religion? You want to marry him in a Buddhist ceremony… What do you folks think about that?

Venus in Capricorn: Just because your office BlackBerry is constantly humming, it does not mean that you are in a mature, loving relationship.

Venus in Aquarius: Well, most people would not qualify trading software with another person as a deep and intimate romantic encounter.

Venus in Pisces: No, when your pusher randomly calls you, it does not mean he loves you. Sorry.

See? Isn’t that better? 🙂

If you want a more heart-felt post, I wrote something about the planetary energies on Valentine’s Day for Sasstrology. You can see it here: http://sasstrology.com/2010/02/valentines-day-astrology-forecast-2.html

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Humor: Astrologers in love

  • If the horary doesn’t say what you want it to, you change the house that signifies them.
  • You sigh over the conjunctions and gloss over the squares.
  • Ptolemaic aspects are obviously not enough; you also look at parallels, asteroids, Arabic parts and anything else you have ever heard of.
  • Not only do you remember their major planetary degrees, you also know their cusps by heart.
  • You think south node conjunctions indicate that it was meant to be. You also think this about anything else that catches your fancy.
  • If you don’t have their verified time of birth, you’re willing to devote a lifetime to learn rectification, so that you can finally do their chart. 
  • If you meet someone who shares the same degree as their sun, you are instantly prepared to like this person. But only after you find out their sun degree.
  • You cast an event chart of the time they asked you to pass the salt.
  • You play soppy love songs as you pour over synastry aspect grids.
  • When you encounter a new astrological theory that indicates strong synastry between you, you’re more likely to think that there is merit in it. Merit? Huh! It’s a work of genius!
  • You don’t think they’re capable of lies and deceit, you think it’s because your charts have hard Neptune contacts.
  • You’re blinded by the Venus-Mars contacts and brush the other aspects under the carpet.
  • You spiral into self-pity because of your Venus placement. If only your Venus was better placed, they’d love you more.
  • You do progressions and figure that in, say, 40 years their progressed chart will find your progressed chart irresistible.

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Interviewer: So, what are your thoughts on all the hype surrounding the impending Jupiter-Neptune conjunction?

Astrologer: Blown out of proportion if you ask me!


 Astrologer 1: I can’t tell the people I love that I love them and I can’t tell people I intensely dislike what I feel about them, either.

Astrologer 2: And your Moon’s in Scorpio? How odd!


Astrologer to bartender: These Venus-Neptune types, they think every man who walks through the door might be the man who changes their life.


Man: Elise, you know you got to watch that Neptune conjunction to your ASC. People think you’re a flake.

Woman: Really? I hadn’t noticed.


Bartender to Man: You guys broke up? But you said she was your soulmate!

Tropical Astrologer: I caught her cheating on me with sidereal astrology!


Astrologer to friend: I had to hit him! He sneered at my Mars-Sun-Moon T-Square. Sneered, I tell you. These Mercury-Mars types, an annoying bunch, I tell you. Annoying


Overheard: Who does she think she is trying to wow everyone with that overblown Sun- conjunct-Jupiter personality of hers? And did you notice her Mars contacts her Neptune. ::sniffs disdainfully:: I wouldn’t be surprised if she drank. ::shakes head::


Friend 1: Hey, why so blue?

Friend 2: ::sigh:: Saturn’s transiting my second house.

Friend 1: You think that’s bad? You have no idea what that Saturn-Pluto is doing to me! Man, I’ve been trying to put on a brave face and all, but…

Friend 1: Want to go to the bar?

Friend 2: Yeah, let’s get wasted!

::Neptune smirks::


Budding astrologer to friend: My astrology class was cancelled last week….unforseen circumstances.*
*Contributed by astrologer Tony Vowles
Q: How many Virgos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Four: one to read the manual, one to inspect the quality, one to screw it in, and one to oversee that it’s screwed in properly.*
*Contributed by Michelle of AstroFix

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