Sun Sign Humor

Lunch at the Zodiac Grill

Aries: *picking up a rifle* I’ll go hunting and get an animal; we can have that for lunch.

Taurus: Oh, lovely. I’ll bring out that nice pastel tablecloth and get flowers from the garden. You make soup and be sure to put lots of cream in it.

Gemini: Let’s go for a movie, we can get something to eat on the way. Afterwards, we can go to that book reading I was talking about. Mary and Spence will be there and we can grab a drink with them later on.

Cancer: Lunch today, yes. But with the way the economy is, how many more lunches do we have left? I wish I was kid again and watching Mom bake for me! *sniff*

Leo: I hope I look okay! What do you think? Should I have gotten my hair streaked for this lunch date?

Virgo: Lunch? No, thanks. I’ve got a packet of prunes I’m going to eat at my desk while I proofread these documents.

Libra: *retouching her make-up and spraying on Chanel No. 5* I met this gorgeous man at the ‘How to find True Love’ seminar and he’s taking me out to lunch!

Scorpio: *in a deep, smoky voice* Lunch…I will eat you, ma chérie. (He means it, ladies! ) 

Sagittarius: I’m going for this ‘Human Rights for All’ thing, you know? Then I’m going for my philosophy class, I’ll get something in the cafeteria. 

Capricorn: Mr. Brown’s invited me for lunch in the Executive Dining Room. All that hard work has finally paid off. 

Aquarius: *to his girl friend* Hey, buddy, sure! I’ll pick you up at midnight and we’ll go to the beach and share our pickled onions with the dolphins.

Pisces: Food is just energy. You can get the same thing from being loving and compassionate and yogic breathing. *inhales deeply*

 

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Sun Signs and Break-ups

Aries: Why you selfish, self-centered son-of-a-bitch! You always put your needs before mine! What about me? What about how I feel? Huh? That’s always been the problem with this relationship: everything is always about you!

Taurus: **arms folded across the chest and heels firmly dug in** I’m not going to sign the divorce papers. Ever. And, no, you may not have your car keys.

Gemini: Does that mean you are not coming to the book reading with me tonight? Okay, don’t worry, I’ll call Janie. And we’ll talk more about this next week when I’m back from my trip. Or you could call me while I’m on the road or text me or Facebook me. We’ll talk. Bye!

Cancer: **Cancer’s eyes mist up, and the guilt-ridden spouse breaks into a torrent of words** Say something! Don’t cry! Wait, where are you going? Honey, eating that pie is not a good idea. Remember you were going to stick to your diet? Okay, fine! I’ll stay.

Leo: You want to leave me? Why? What’s wrong with you? You took your medication, right?

Virgo: The current stats say that one out of every four marriages end in divorce. Can’t fight the numbers, I guess.

Libra: Leaving me? But I just redecorated your den! And booked us for that couples-only thing at the spa! Have you considered the pros and cons of your decision?

Scorpio: **the announcement is followed by deafening silence from the Scorpio who hasn’t moved a muscle and nervous chatter from the soon-to-be-an-ex**
I knew you’d take it as calmly as you always do. I mean, you are mostly calm, except a few times when you went berserk and the neighbours had to call 911. So, I’ll just leave now, okay? And please don’t do that voodoo thing. And promise me you won’t sacrifice the dog on the next full moon as a cleansing ritual just because I got him for you?

Sagittarius: Jeez! Is this about the cute neighbour again? Yeah, she’s hot, but I was just giving her gardening tips. Honest!

Capricorn: What about our joint-accounts and those investments we are committed to? We’re up for the country club this year, this is not a good time for you to leave.

Aquarius: **looking up and sounding abstracted** I thought we were going to try and have twins so we could do research on twins? I think we can still go ahead with that. Let me check the ephemeris for your next fertile period. Shall we do it when the moon is in Gemini? That should up our chances of a multiple pregnancy. Where is the ephemeris? Hey, stop! Why are you tearing it?

Pisces: **in a far away voice** We’ll always have Paris.
They’ve never been to Paris together.