Posts Tagged ‘Venus in signs’

Baron over at Dark Sun Astrology says about the current period, “The heavens often contort themselves into an ironic configuration on Valentine’s Day, but this year plays host to an extremely benefic configuration – an applying conjunction of Venus to Jupiter in Pisces.” Venus moved into Pisces today and she’s racing gladly towards Jupiter. Love is in the air, no? Who can resist it, and with all these Piscean planets do you even have the will to try?

Love is many things to many people. Nothing brings us to our knees more effortlessly and nothing exalts us quite like being in love. And if it doesn’t work out, don’t despair, we’ll laugh about it instead. Now, why don’t you sit down and let me get you something to drink. And about the laughs, I wrote this for you:

Venus in Aries: Grabbing your lover by the hair, and letting out a triumphant war cry does not guarantee successful seduction with everyone.

Venus in Taurus: Farmer, is he? Oooh! And you saw him while he was sweat-slicked and fell for him like a ton of bricks? I totally get it!

Venus in Gemini: Yeah, I see why you like her. Not every one reads that much anymore. And you’re right, I can see why you’re attracted to her best friend: you’re both passionate about celadon. And that girl you work with? I can see why you find her irresistible. It’s not everyone who can talk knowledgeably about string theory.   

Venus in Cancer: Put that egg beater down, sweetheart. Put it down! You’re a wonderful baker. The best. I couldn’t love you more if I tried. Really. But the doctor thinks my weight is bad for my heart. Oh, don’t cry, honey! And, no, I don’t want a cookie.

Venus in Leo: Gee, sure, being in love with yourself could be seen as a fulfilling life-long relationship. But is all that plastic surgery really necessary?

Venus in Virgo: What? You fell in love with him because of the way he punctuates? And you love him despite his apostrophe errors? Yep, this time, it’s true love all right.

Venus in Libra: You both like the same exact shade of blue? Does that mean he’s your soul mate? I don’t know…

Venus in Scorpio: The lady in the bus called the cops when you stared fixedly at her and made suggestive gestures?

Venus in Sagittarius: That foreign dude you met in university? The guy who’s always going on and on about the philosophy of religion? You want to marry him in a Buddhist ceremony… What do you folks think about that?

Venus in Capricorn: Just because your office BlackBerry is constantly humming, it does not mean that you are in a mature, loving relationship.

Venus in Aquarius: Well, most people would not qualify trading software with another person as a deep and intimate romantic encounter.

Venus in Pisces: No, when your pusher randomly calls you, it does not mean he loves you. Sorry.

See? Isn’t that better? 🙂

If you want a more heart-felt post, I wrote something about the planetary energies on Valentine’s Day for Sasstrology. You can see it here: http://sasstrology.com/2010/02/valentines-day-astrology-forecast-2.html

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I’m lucky enough to be friends with The Biker Magi. He’s got impeccable manners and a rare honesty of spirit. He’s also a tad unconventional and fearless in expressing what he thinks and feels. I cajoled him into distilling some of his long-term flirtation with astrology into a post. If you want a sanitized look at Venus, then this post is not for you. But if you enjoy the goddess in all her avatars, some of which are raw, then you will find this post a delightful romp!

When I laughed at an advertisement for Little Black Dress Wines in Wine and Spirits Quarterly, remarking to my uncle that it made me think of a drunken slut in a short dress, I realized what I wanted to write about.


That’s right. Shy types can just stop reading right now. Venus isn’t the nice girl in some Christian convent. Being a biker astrologer, I haven’t ever met a woman who grew up in a convent, if you know what I mean. And rather than dissecting the natal chart of another, I’ll dare to examine Venus in my own chart.

In my chart, Venus is located in the eighth house. Forget the politically-correct modern texts that tell you that the eighth house is the house of “shared resources and inheritance.” That’s pure modernistic bull, and it’s not good astrology. It may be part of it, but in traditional, time-tested astrology, the eighth house is – on account of the natural placement of the eighth house in Scorpio – the house of death.

But my Venus isn’t a mean girl. That would be Venus in … Scorpio maybe. Or in cold mental Gemini maybe. But she’s in the sign of Cancer, which – aside from her nefarious neighborhood – means this woman is caring, even if she is the “caring whore.” Forget the moralistic implications of the word. In Italian, “Putanesca” is a dish made from various ingredients thrown together, and the translation means, “what the whore had [in her pantry].” You see, once upon a time, when the rich traveler might be able to afford to stay in grand style, the ordinary wayfaring man might opt to stay with the local prostitute. This could simply have been a girl who wasn’t lucky enough to be betrothed when her parents died. Perhaps she lived in a little shack by the local cemetery [eighth house]. She merely did what she had to, and if treated well enough, she might throw some food together to nourish her patron.

Cancer, however, while it is the sign ruled by the nurturing moon, isn’t really the sign of the virgin, either. Using the animal image associated with that sign, Cancer is the crab. Now crabs aren’t solitary creatures. They’ll crawl over one another, and can be cooked without a lid because, if one attempts to climb out, one of the others will reach out and pull it back! Cancer doesn’t want you to leave; it wants you to endure the same fate as the rest of the group or society. So a man could do worse than a Cancerian Venus whore. In fact, due to the group-related nature of Cancer, it could be fun. She might even bring a friend [or three or ten]. Just don’t try to leave and expect to be remembered fondly. You’re expected to conform to her, with her friends, with society, and if you don’t … well, best you sneak away in the night.

The eighth house does in part encompass the modern insurance industry, and one of the more attractive women I have met in my life was a boss in a large insurance company headquartered in the American northeast. I remember in a meeting that she announced it was her birthday, and I’m thinking, “Sun at about 15 Cancer…conjunct my Venus,” and, in fact, she was exactly what I find attractive. How I drooled over this woman and her tight pants (covering her eighth house parts) and — though she was a manager — she was to my amazement actually knowledgeable, sufficient that I could relate a complex programming problem and feel a sense of connection (Venus) with her! If that woman had only known the power she had over me … (damn, I should have told her the power she had over me!). The eighth house is the second house to the seventh house of “others,” and as such can show the possessions of others, and one of the great loves of my life was and is … well, the possession of another.

Venus also shows what you enjoy, and Cancer has to do with nourishment and therefore the mouth. The eighth house — of course – anatomically represents the reproductive tract and associated naughty bits. Do I need to paint you a picture?

So where’s your Venus?

Venus in Aries is like Xena the Warrior Princess. She likes weapons. If she’s in the military, get the hell out of her way and you won’t get hurt. DO NOT tell her your gun is bigger than hers. If she’s not in the military, she might even be a biker … the idea of iron and steel powerfully combusting between her legs gets her off. She leaves the earth scorched and burned behind her. She probably has more female conquests than you do. You think men are bad?

Venus in Taurus likes to have her “space” the way the bull likes its pen. She’s quiet until you trespass upon her protected area. And then you wake up on your ass.

Venus in Gemini is mental. Remember that gal who played Spock’s betrothed on the Star Trek episode ‘Amok Time?’ She explained what would happen if Spock had actually killed his Captain, that he would be jailed and she would get the man she really wanted. And Spock turned and told her that “having isn’t really so good as wanting.”

Venus in Leo is grand. She’s got the big hair and the big bosom. Probably a porn star. And she’s the user, not the guy. Probably hates dogs, the way lions hate hyenas. Woo her with shiny stuff. Like mirrors.

Venus in Virgo is clinical. A surgeon perhaps. Or a lab technician or some form of computer analyst or someone who makes a living that requires absolute cleanliness and order. DO NOT make a mess in her house, or she’ll probably dissect you. Turn-ons include crisp, ironed linens. Or the scent of the same. Give her the gift of a maid.

Venus in Libra likes pleasantries. It’s more important to her to have pleasant surroundings, pleasing coverings and clothing. Take these away, or argue with her, and she’ll come unbalanced. Hopefully you have health care.

Venus in Scorpio is a spy or assassin. Ask her to see the gun or dagger she has strapped inside her pantyhose and she’ll ask you, “Which one?” Think Sharon Stone.

Venus in Sagittarius is like a learned professional, like a lawyer. If you want to have sex with her, expect to have your argument planned out, and file your pleadings well in advance.

Venus in Capricorn is the accountant. She has a picture of Scrooge that she masturbates to. Do not ask her if you can borrow money.

Venus in Aquarius goes with whatever the group wants. You’re not her only boyfriend. If you buy her something, make it something she can share with all the others.

Venus in Pisces either meditates, prays, or drinks; or she drinks, prays while she is sick in front of the commode, and then meditates that she will never do that again … until next time.

So there it is. Enjoy your Venus. It’s not my place to judge what gets you off.

So sayeth The Biker Magi

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: The Biker Magi was born in the American northeast and grew up in middle class suburbia in a town ranked number one in Money magazine’s list of the best places to live in America in 2005, but that all changed when his father retired and the family moved to Florida. Distanced from what he considered decent society, he was a classic candidate for rebellion and eventually found acceptance amongst both motorcyclists and fellow military veterans. When repairing computers for the local IBM dealer, he inquired to one customer about some astrology software he found on one. “Oh, that’s my wife’s, she’s an astrologer.” Eventually becoming a student of this AFA-accredited astrologer of 50 years experience, he found a pickup line that he could safely retreat into. “What’s your sign? Hey, baby, I’m an astrologer, no really!” And since riding motorcycles necessitated a ‘road name,’ someone thought ‘Magi’ was appropriate due to his predilection for astrology. And it stuck!

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